Getting In the Way of Self

I've been doing dream work for about 15 years. That is, recording my nighttime dreams in a journal and trying to decipher their meaning the next morning. Some mornings I remember 2-3 dreams. Other mornings I don't remember any. At times my dreams are SO abstract and bizarre that I haven't got a clue as to what my subconscious is getting at. Then other times, like last night, the message in my dream is crystal clear.

My Totem: The Crow

A person's animal totem is represented by any animal they feel a close connection to-one whose energy speaks to them in a way that seems especially relevant to them during a particular period in their life. Traditional Native American medicine states that every person has 9 power or totem animals that represent the medicine they carry in their Earth Walk. These animals emulate each person's abilities, talents, and challenges.

One of my animal totems is the crow. I've been fascinated by them for years, and I feel like they follow me and talk to me everywhere I go. Crows are said to be Keepers of the Sacred Law. They are symbols of spiritual strength, magic, and are said to see the past, present and future simultaneously. They are the omens of change, the merger of the inner and outer self. Crow medicine reminds us that we need to be willing to walk our talk, speak our truth, and balance our past, present, and future in the NOW. Crows are shape shifters. They see that the way humanity interprets the spiritual world is nothing more than an illusion. They remind us to shape-shift our old reality (and old ways of thinking) and become our future selves in the NOW-the only real moment that exists.

My Dream

I was standing in my backyard with my dog Buck, when suddenly a huge crow dove down from the sky and started to attack him. Feathers and fur went flying everywhere as the two went around in circles-Buck barking, growling, and gnashing his teeth, and the crow repeatedly swooping in and relentlessly pecking away at Buck's body. I stood there in horror and watched the crow remove large patches of fur from Buck's coat. Then suddenly it dawned on me. Unless I did something to stop the fight, Buck was doomed. The crow would kill him!

Immediately, I rushed in and tried to use my body to shield Buck from the attacking crow. But even then, the crow continued to dive down and attack him. It seemed that no matter how I tried to protect him, the crow wasn't going to give up the attack until Buck was dead.

Adrenaline took over, and suddenly I found myself reaching up and grabbing the crow by its legs. Using all the strength I could muster, I hurled it to the ground. It landed with a dull thud and instantly knew I I had broken its neck. It was dead.

In an instant, a wave of remorse washed over me. I didn't mean to kill it, I only wanted it to go away. How could I have been so brutal? I hadn't realized my own strength. In an attempt to protect my dog, I had panicked.

I started to walk over to where the bird lay dead in the yard. As I got close, the dazed crow slowly lifted its head and looked at me. Then in a split second, it shot up into the air-leaving all of its feathers behind. Naked and exposed, except for one feather on its back, the crow flew low and fast over the yard and disappeared into the surrounding woods. I was relieved and utterly awestruck that despite my cruelty, it was still alive.

So, what does it mean...?

...A short side note about dream work

Dreams offer ideas, insights, and solutions that help us understand our relationships, attitudes, and the way we see ourselves. For 15 years, I have been using the same dream book as a tool for discovering the hidden meanings of my dreams. The book is called The Mystical, Magical, Marvelous World of Dreams, by Wilda B Tanner. The title sounds a little hokey, but trust me, it's the best book I've ever found on dream interpretation. (You can read a review of it here or buy it on Amazon.com here.)

Different dream books and websites offer different interpretations of the same dream symbols. For example, depending on the source, a red chair might have 5 different meanings. It's helpful to find one to two dream interpretation books/websites that you like and stick with them. I have worked hard to program my subconscious mind to use only the symbols and definitions offered in Wilda Tanner's book while I dream. This has made deciphering the meaning much easier for me. Not fool-proof, just easier. The most important thing to keep in mind while interpreting your dreams, is to consider how each person or symbol in your dream is significant to YOU and your current circumstances.

The Meaning: One of Us Has to Go!

**Keep in mind that this is where I am today. I wouldn't be surprised if this dream reoccurs in some form as I make progress on this issue. **

The crow: A higher aspect of myself. A version of my higher-self representing the energies I described above. A messenger. A spiritual part of me. The ability of my soul to soar to great heights.

My dog Buck: A lower aspect of myself. A partly-trained or in this case, untrained aspect of myself, which I recognize and I am attempting to train or control. In other words, my seeming inability to make long term changes to improve my health-a.k.a. losing weight through diet and exercise. This could also be my pain-body as described in A New Earth.

Me: The ego aspect of myself. The part of me identified with form.

The conflict: The battle between Buck and the Crow represents a fight that I continue to have within myself. You might call it a clash between my higher self (the REAL me) and my EGO (thoughts identified with form).

Flying feathers and fur: Confusion, upset, fright, a hasty retreat, loss of dignity.

Me stepping in to protect Buck/me killing the crow: Yeah, that's ME (or my ego) getting in the way again. Constant inner conflict. Every time my higher self attempts to defeat those old, untrained aspects of being (and old thought patterns) my ego steps in. The ego's job is to protect those old ways of thinking so it can stay in control and keep the higher aspects of myself from taking over. Nice, eh?

The crow rising up and flying away: Anytime there is a conflict between the higher and lower self, the higher self will always win out. Sure, it may take a while-even lifetimes. The EGO can stay unconscious and identified with form, but the eternal Presence of who you REALLY are can never be destroyed! It will always be there, urging you on to your rightful purpose-transcending the ego mind. You can knock it down, but you can't keep the higher aspects of yourself getting up again.

The crow being naked/stripped of all but one of its feathers: The release of old attitudes and restrictions, a new sense of freedom, a revelation, the shedding of all affectations, a new sense of honesty and openness. A loss of feathers represents things to be removed so that a new stability can emerge.

The one remaining feather: Your desires preselect the content of your dreams. In numerology, the number one represents a new beginning, oneness with God, unity of of all life. A single feather represents a visit from your angels, or in this case, from my higher self.

In summary: An inner conflict continues to wage inside me regarding the releasing of old patterns and ways of being. I (my ego self) is my own worst enemy and the greatest barrier to my success. In other words, just when I start to dissolve old patterns, I step in and get in the way of my true self.

The higher aspects of myself will never give up, nor can they ever be destroyed. In the end, my higher self is sending me the message that it is capable of dissolving old patterns as long as my ego stays out of the way. The higher aspects of myself are telling me that it is time to make a change.